Goodbyes

I’ve not much in me to write. Today I work from my folk’s place as I insist that mom take time away from home. She is out for the day and I’ve stayed with pops, working in the back office. Today he hasn’t gotten up or stayed awake all day, been snoozing. Hasn’t touched his coffee or water or eaten, which is unlike him. He’s always loved his food!

I’ve let him rest but did wake him a few hours ago to say hi and ask if I can bring him anything. He didn’t wake very much, and said he didn’t need anything, and quickly fell back to sleep.

Yesterday he had three meals as well as snacks. Today he sleeps.

Don’t blame him really. His brother and son came to visit for several days last week and it was rough. Mom said the goodbyes were hard, I’m really glad I wasn’t here to see them. I would have lost it.

This is the last time they will see him living, and their visit felt like mourning far too early.

Good days and bad days, for him, for us, it’s a waiting game and just trying to keep him happy. He was grumpy this weekend because he had a hard time communicating, and his walking has declined dramatically. Muscle control is just getting harder and harder. His legs tremble as he walks, making it hard to walk. As he struggles to lift his leg to move forward the other one bearing the weight of him shakes. I don’t want to embarrass him so I try not to watch.

There is a weight in me that is waiting. The edge of it nudges from time to time like the shoulder of an unwelcome stranger on the subway. I stay busy because I am my father’s daughter and it’s how I stay sane.