A Burd in Flight

As I write the skies are still pre-dawn dark, dripping down lazily as I wipe the sleep from my eyes. The house panthers cuddled in close when the rain begun, I thought it was just chilly but was soon throwing off the sheet and blanket, covered in a humid sheen of sweat. It is late April in central Texas and I’ve still avoided turning on the A/C just yet, which is unheard of. In my past homes they’d heat so quickly under the relentless sun that by February the air conditioner was in full-time duty.

But this morning it’s the moisture in the air making me sweat, and I rolled over to turn the fan a bit to cool my skin.

Made a cuppa, sat down to read by candlelight with the door open to my just-finished porch. Mostly finished. Still have to build the cat tree out of pecan branches and leftover wood.

Yesterday Yuki and Squish finally were allowed out to enjoy the porch and they’ve been elated and terrified all at the same time. Unsure what to do with all the extra room to run about and feel exposed. Surprisingly wee Squish is the more cautious one and Yukes is the big bouncing nerd about it all. He nearly threw a cog loose yelling at me for a nibble of fresh grass from the yard, had his fill, and leapt up to watch from the table and judge his sister. She of course was being far too vigorous in her enjoyment of the greens and over-ate them just to retch it all up again.

This morning though, while the leftover bits of grass lay limp on the boards, they watched the rain come and increase then diminish.

In the four hours since waking fully they flowed like the storm outside, in and out, closer tucked to my side, then out climbing the bookshelf. I contented myself with leftover onion rings heated in the air fryer and some dipping sauce of my own making. I watched a scary movie then when the light lifted enough picked up a book to get lost in.

These days we are as separated from literature as we are from the wild. It’s too easy to pick up our handy little pocket computers and rush through clips, justifying ignoring our shelves with saying we are learning more online than we can from books.

With the porch comes an era of far fewer excuses. And more days of all the windows open 24/7 until the sun actively tries to cook those of us in Texas. Thankfully with a little home it cools and heats quickly so I can live more in flow with the temperature changes each day, and in turn more in flow with the natural world.

Moved back to the land that has held my heart for more than half my life. I wake every morning feeling hugged by the roots below me. I walk outside barefoot, haven’t for over four years. Perhaps longer. Every step I take I can feel the land pulling me back to her.

Everything is blooming. The plum, the pear, the pomegranates, figs, wildflowers, my favorite the mountain laurel, they are abuzz with bees and wasps and beetles. They smile back at songbirds who share the branches.

Bought an old 1991 RV trailer, been remodeling with SO MUCH HELP from my folks and aunt and sister while I was in surgery and recovering last year. It is small, but I can open so many more windows for fresh air and get sung awake every morning.

There are crows who fly over my new home before eight every morning, without fail. They caw loud enough I can hear them during work meetings, and I can’t wait to make friends with them.

A pair of nesting red-shouldered hawks come back every year and they cry their raptor voices from trees all around, scaring the songbirds into silence.

I’m building a big porch that will be covered and screened in, both to shade the RV during the season the sun is trying to cook us, and to have a space for my kitties and myself to live outdoors more. It is so satisfying to see it grow, with a little help here and there. But I love more so being able to work on it myself. Seeing it come together little by little makes my heart so happy.

And renovating a small shed into a tiny home for the teenaged spawn. What I wouldn’t have done for a little place all my own at that age!! It’s about ten feet from the RV, and we will spend a lot of time this summer on the porch together.

Getting ready for vending coming up at the end of the month with the woodshop. We’ve been coming up with new ideas and expanding our skills, and have volunteers with us almost every weekend. Stuns me how I’ve been doing this now three years and the preteen me inside cannot fucking believe the woman I’ve become.

Broke my best friend’s heart. The one who was there through my entire cancer scare and surgery. Still struggling with that. Feel quite the monster, honestly. Just wondering why I let people close just to love them and hurt them. When I know I’m happiest alone. Just isn’t fair to them, and I know it. Going to have a field day in therapy.

Days are full of my 9-5 job, then immediately after working on my place. Thankfully it’s going more quickly now that I’m living here. Weekends I’m in the woodshop in the morning, then working on the porch or tiny home after.

I don’t take time off, am busy as hell, and loving every damn moment.

Time does, it flits and wobbles around and changes on a whim. I’ve thought for days and days now that I need to post to my blog, then get stuck on what to write about.

Most evenings during the work week I’m worn out after the day of peopleing and move across the room to my sleeping area, just to spend a few hours watching a show or reading. It’s quiet. I’m content. But doesn’t make for incredible experiences to write about, unfortunately.

I’ve started walking again, getting up at 5:45am so I can walk at least 30 minutes before the sun rises. It’s the same routine, Lil Miss Squish the house panthers comes to walk back and forth by my shoulder until I wake, bumping my hand or chin and doing her chirpy chirps. She’s gotten really affectionate finally, well a lot for her. She still is a cat and only allows it if she thinks of it first.

I wake giggling at her and rush through waking and pinning my hair up and getting dressed to sweat in 82F 99% humidity grossness. It’s like trying to breathe a wet wool blanket.

But it’s freeing to crunch my sneakers across the driveway and smile and greet the bats in the morning before humanity stirs much. It’s the city so there is human noise all the time, but right before sunrise it’s as if the world allows herself to rest just a bit. So she takes deep breaths and the bats whir overhead with their chirrups at one another and I stride down the sleepy road.

So I’m glad my walks are back, I’d missed them. Not sure why I stopped other than laziness and my usual aversion to crossing paths with other people. It disturbs my peace. I’m most at peace when I’m not being looked at, and before the sun rises I can feel invisible, unless I pass another walker. Which ruins everything for a few moments, admittedly. But not so much I’d stop walking.

Started cutting out animal products, following a more whole foods vegetarian diet. My usual diet had me at a standstill with getting healthier and this so far has been a positive change. I feel lighter in so many ways, less bloated all over, almost like my soul is lighter even if the scale is the same. Mind clearer, more energy, all positive changes so far. Will stick with it. Avoiding sugar, processed foods as well. Every meal has a really nice balance, for instance tonight was a bowl of fresh kale, slow cooked red beans, quinoa, and half an avocado. Followed with fresh strawberries and frozen grapes. I’m stuffed and happy.

Life of a woodworker…drove two hours to cut up a fallen branch of 300 year old pecan so that I can turn it into beautiful things. Fallen from one of my absolute favorite trees for over half of my life. The wood smelled of summers growing up on the quiet small town roads of Stephenville, Tx. Sweat buckets, dirtied my car again, and now am on the way home to read a book I’ve been waiting for over a month.

The Texas summers have changed from when I was little, drinking from the hot water hose in the backyard. When you had to let the water run to cool down from the hose sitting in the sun. When the water tasted of hot rubber and usually had grass cuttings or mud around the rim of the opening. I smelled the pecan wood today and could smell the hot rubber of the hose again as well.

Thank goodness I don’t have to rely on hose water these days, am spoiled with apple cider vinegar lemonades with ice.

The summers are more brutal now, and veggie gardens get so stressed they don’t produce. This year we’ve finally had a good soak before the heat became intolerable, so the ground is more hospitable, but the plants still suffer. I’m convinced the environment is hit harder by humanity than the authorities are telling us.

I haven’t written in so long. Not even sure if life has been busy or if I’ve been neglectful. Well I have been neglectful of this blog. Not in my head as much as usual, not sure if that’s a good thing or not.

The man child is spending the summer with me which definitely means my mind is occupied elsewhere or distracted 99% of the time. Family and kids are wonderful, but also quite diverting from any writing. I’ve been reading less of late as well but you’d never know it looking at the bookcases. Been acquiring titles from the local library bookshop like mad. Drat having such a good one close by. Surrounded by a wealthier area where people donate their books to the library to sell, such a hardship. last time I took the teenager there we both walked away with stacks, his bigger than mine.

Work has been more intense, busier. It’s making me a better manager but wipes me so completely that I’ve not much left by the end of the week. Autistic burnout is a thing. Today I got quite irritable driving home with the teen in the car, being our DJ. It was probably the first time I realized where the irritability was coming from, too much loud music and talking over the music, and the bright sun blinding me and making my eyes burn and water, and the heat advisory warning us of 112 degree air just waiting to make me feel like I’m walking in a warm stuffy wet blanket. Just everything on top of the noise made me unable to mask and it was miserable. Thankfully when we got home and I was in out of the bright and heat and noise I realized what had happened. I apologized for being short with him and he absolutely got it, knew what was happening before I did. I swear the world is going to be saved by this generation. Hopefully.

Life is mellow, with moments of joy in a great cup of coffee or book or kitty cuddle. Now has come the time when it’s painful to be outside, so I must make do indoors. It’s infuriating. Even working in my little home woodshop is a painful joke, as it’s a small metal building with no shade or air movement. But I can do small things.

I’m playing around with the idea of making beautiful ribbon skirts and dresses with the new sewing machine my mother gave me today. May even see if I can find a way of designing something I don’t feel weird gender dysphoria in. I want to remain true to tradition, but also know my ancient ancestors wouldn’t care as much as the more recent ones. Perhaps ribbon shirts that are long and tunic-like, with leggings and a belt. I will dream on it and see where it leads me.

As I do with many things these days.