Barbed girl

I started this while still living in Idaho with my wifey. Before I left my future and everything else we were building. Leaving behind that anchoring thought, leaving her, I never wanted. Until I realized that I was making a choice between being near my son as he grew into manhood and being with someone who never trusted me and never would.

I made the right choice, even if it’s the most excruciating experience I’ve endured. I made the right choice for him, even if the narrows I’ve been wading through for six months threaten to drown me every damn day without a break.

I knew this was a love I wouldn’t recover from.

Every day I repeat my mantra and hope it will take root deep behind my sternum, and I’ll be able to breathe again.

“Love without trust is control.”

In the meantime, I’ll paint and write and not waste another moment with my son. My sun. The gentlest slender heart-on-spindly-legs I’ve ever encountered.

And meanwhile I’ll be a barbed girl, wandering amongst the cacti, because they know my cries for relief, sweating this love out of my pores in the Texas sun. Untouchable. Safe.

Sanguine skies

We laid there

In a dream I didn’t want to wake from so

I closed my eyes

And imagined your hand floating above me,

A sea of sharp sunlight stabbing

Between your fingers and

The sanguine skies reflected the sun in your blood

Until my eyes shone red with

Love for you, this moment

The desert your breath breathing over sands

That whisper no future or past but the

Power of this moment

Now and now I’m crying salt in the sand on

My cheeks

Because you me here now too salty sweet bitter

When we touch

The skies smile red because how many times

Our hearts bled, apart, yet the streams finally

Met in the middle

And I wake, crying my eyes back to sleep,

Because when I exhale I smell you

Deep inside me.

Candy

Image: @anya_panchenko

Strangers call me “sweetie”

It’s funny how these blues can mask and hide

All the ugly that lies beneath.

This smile, I don’t flash it to be kind….

It appears when I think about what I want to do to you,

The marks I want to leave behind, prints in your skin

Left in the wake of greed and lust, and maybe a sprinkling of anger.

I grin because you underestimate me

And I can picture the shock and dismay in your eyes

When you at last have a grasp 

Of how un-sweet I truly can be.

Take your lollipop

And shove it.

(Written December 31, 2011)

Because You Believed

August 10, 2011

“Because You Believed In Me”

Saw this today on a cheesy record at work

As I swept the floor,

Gliding between the stacks of books

Breathing their dust and previous lovers.

Their stories every day are the very air I breathe.

Perhaps it’s some of why writing has been impossible lately.

Too many stories.

Too much to tell, to say

And processing, yes, helps, but takes time.

But as this day has rolled on, as they do, 

All I can think of is 

“Because You Believed In Me”

I burn and my eyes can’t help but weep as I realize

There is not only one person I could write this about.

You have always been the champion

For someone who lost

LOST the two who most loved her in one blow,

This is a revelation.

Too long have I relived my past year, 

Husband and almost best friend leaving me for each other,

Hateful things said when before was nothing but devoted adoration.

What kind of person drives someone so close irrevocably far away?

How could I not question what sort of creature I had become?

Loss this year has been my constant companion.

Not just of the two of them, but also of myself. 

I claim it back now. Who tries to tear me away again is a sadistic fool.

Owning this, all of it, warped me into what should have always been.

Here is a being who has something….something her world craves

Something her people need.

It’s not simply because you believed.

It is because finally I do too.

And those floors I swept while sighing and weeping over an old record album title

Have never been brighter.

I am the skies before the rain

I am the skies before the rain, sticky sweet as an unexpected kiss,

I cling to you like sweat on skin, hugging you close with breath hot, my teeth on the back of your neck, my nails deep inside you.

I am the anticipation of wet earth, the smell that makes your eyes close in inhalation, the first drops on always dry land.

You drink me up like a woman who has been ravenous for days, your parched heart remembering its beat, and how it once thrummed for only me.

The wind knows your name, rustling in trees’ leaves crying for you, remembering the thirst you felt under those burning skies.

I am the woman you dreamed of years ago when you ached for the touch of female skin, my curves wind like a river in a canyon you get lost in,

Lick my map skin and find your way home.

Leave me a trail of crumbs, line them slowly and deliberately up the inside of my legs, slick my clit with your nudges,

Stop my breathing with your thighs, wrapped around mine, tightly pressed,

Make my pussy a slick pillow stuffed with blood pulsing in time with our hearts,

Suffocate my need with your body, rip into the gaping hole inside of us, shred my skin with the agony of the softest part of you.

Love me the way you did when you dreamed me into being, kissing tenderness into the chasms we’ve become.

Petrichor

I wake among your roots,

Turning my head to where your skin breaks the soil,

Nestling my lips deeper,

Gritty kisses in the morning.

Biting back the gristled edges of your bark,

To reach inside you, where I breathe

and breathe

and breathe,

Pulling you into my lungs, where the silence waits,

And my heart stirs, sluggish, damp, slow and sticky.

A chrysalis wet and heavy, melted forms inside,

Coming back together an alien moth.

I beat the moon with my wings,

And it’s raining inside me,

As I rot into you.

My bones become yours,

You smell like home.

Musings: An erotic story with reading

Wrote this on a whim, after a dream with the scene envisioned. I’d left the Jehovah’s Witnesses and my marriage to my middle-school-sweetheart just two years before. Finally I could explore who I truly wanted to be.

September 26, 2012

2:23 AM

I rapped on the apartment door, once then twice, our agreed signal. There was a nervous cough on the other side, and I drew myself up tall, a wicked grin in the corner of my mouth. I stood, my high-heeled boots tapping, impatient. She said she would be ready.

Locks slid, and the door opened, she smiled and dropped her gaze, gesturing me inside. I paused a bit before stepping forward, letting her anticipation grow, then strode forward, dropping my kit to her floor. She shut the door and I immediately took her by the shoulders, pressed my body against hers, gently throwing her into the closed door. Suddenly short of breath, excited, she lifted a leg, wound it around my hips. I looked down slowly, acknowledging her lack of self control.

(whispered) “This is the only time you will touch me until I tell you there may be more.” I whispered in her ear, as she quivered under my weight, waiting, her hands now clenched in fists at her side. Her mouth moved towards my neck, and I grabbed her chin, not believing her impudence, I pressed her face as far as I could away from mine, against the door behind her.

“Not one kiss from you either. Those are mine to give first.” I held her there, as she shivered, knees trying to buckle under mine, her breath short and desperate at my verbal commands. I let her stand there, pinned against her own door. After a moment I used my firm hand to turn her head so I could gaze deeply into her green eyes, letting her sink into my blue.

Her muscles softened, she yielded to me entirely, she handed me her will to do with as I pleased. A sigh escaped her lips, and her eyelids fluttered, never leaving mine.

(whisper) “Good girl.” I whispered, and shifted my knee to pin her between the legs, moving up until my stockings were wet beneath her damp panties, reveling in the excitement and teasing myself as much as I did her. I pressed my hand firmer into her chin, leaned my lips in, and began to devour the soft skin of her throat. The instant my mouth touched that sensitive skin she jumped, moaned, as if an electrode was hidden in the gentle tips of my tongue and lips. I nipped, scraped, and bit her neck with my teeth, soothing the pain with lashings of my tongue, licking out her groans, feeling her tremble against the door, shaking the locks.

My knee placed firmly against her pussy was now soaking wet, and if this wasn’t her first time with me I would have forced her to her knees with my hand twisted in her hair, and made her lick it up until I was satisfied.

I gave one last firm bite, rolling my jaws, settling my teeth deep into the skin of her throat, and she thrust her hips towards mine, eyes closed, mouth screaming a silent prayer for more, not breathing, just lost in her capture, lost in her pain.

An instant release, my hands and body away, I left her to compose herself, clinging to the doorknob, and I giggled to myself at what a simple push and neck tease could do. I looked her deeply in the eyes, noting her shortness of breath, and then turned, sweeping my eyes over her place, pleased she stood there trapped by desire, speechless for once. I watched from the corner of my eyes as she straightened her hair across the room, and acted like I didn’t see her tremble as I perused her bookshelves.

There was soft movement, tentative steps she thought I couldn’t hear, and I felt her warmth enter my presence. She stood close behind me, fingers twitching, I knew she wanted to touch my lovely ass, so I bent further over, showing her the bottom she was banned from touching, turning as I rose and arched my back so she could see my cleavage. Her eyes betrayed her, followed every deliberate move, looked exactly where I had plotted. I hid my smile and walked slowly towards the window, backing her up against it. She retreated, trapped by my decree of refusal of touch, afraid to break my command.

She clasped her hands behind her back, as if to control the impulse to touch, and I shook my head slowly, looking her sternly in the eyes. She brought her hands back to her sides, and I watched as her fingertips shook with the imposed mental control. I reached one hand forward, touched her pussy, damp through the cloth, surprised at how swollen and hot it was with such simple play. She jumped, grabbing the windowsill behind her, moaning and closing her eyes, trying to control her reactions yet failing. I smiled. No paddles or floggers needed tonight, though they were my favorites and I would miss the sting. This sweet girl was so tormented already that I could barely take seeing the pleading, hungry tears in her eyes. I did have SOME compassion after all, though not many were allowed to enjoy it.

Pity. I took pity in her hunger. I reached up, loosened my straps, and let my dress fall to the ground, naked except for my stockings and heeled boots. She blinked, quivering all over now, and as I undressed her, stroking each new inch of revealed skin, kissing her curves, and telling her what a good girl she had been, how beautiful she was to me, tears began to stream down her cheeks. Tears of desperation, obedience, desire, gratitude.

I took her hand, led her to the bed, and had her stand, dripping wet from her eyes, dripping wet from her beauteous pussy, as I slowly turned back the covers, then laid her down beneath me, wiping her tears away with my loosened hair. She still trembled, her fingertips not daring to disobey. I kissed her deeply, pressing my breasts into her own, my sodden excitement mixing with hers below.

(sigh) “Okay.” I sighed into her ear, “You’ve been such a good girl.” I looked into and through her eyes, losing myself in her own despair.

“Now…………………touch me.”

I once told you

This is a love you don’t recover from.

And I meant it.

I didn’t know the steel bitter truth of it yet.

What life is without you.

How everything is less.

Food is something I have to do.

Work is too.

Everything is tasteless, flavorless.

A virus that wiped all of me,

Crumpled in the roots of an old tree,

But I can’t even see them, there is no color.

I felt the weight of those words,

“I will never be the same again”

But I didn’t know what they meant.

What they mean.

This is a love I will never recover from.

And you will never see

I’m not what you think I am.

Tonight I miss you

And the virus doesn’t scare me anymore

because I’m already drowning in my snot crying

missing you knowing I’ll never

see you

or feel your energy your eyes

your hands

and I can’t breathe again

I’m drowning because

what are the years ahead of me if you are not there

I don’t want them

and I’m choking on

vomit spilling into my

eyes sweating my need to just

hold

your

hand

right now but I never will

I never will

I never will.