We haven’t had so much snow in this area in forty years I think. It’s charming and reminds me of being in Idaho this time last year. I think it’s beautiful even as it reminds me of what I left behind. I need to be not needed. More than I need water, or air. IContinue reading “Snow in Texas …And thoughts on needing to NOT be needed”
Tag Archives: exjw
Reflections
This time last year I was with the love of my life, in Idaho, with snow piled around our little home. Her dad lived in the house next door, we were five minutes from natural springs and wild places, and life was good. Except it wasn’t. I’d left my child, my family, my community behindContinue reading “Reflections”
“But she who dares not grasp the thorn, should never crave the rose.” ― Anne Bronte
I kept at it, my palm sticky and wet red, Grabbing again and again, until I changed hands, My right my left The wounds grew jagged and wept and dried black On the edges. I’d been doing this a long time now, Even though the flower had thrown me away she was the one whoContinue reading ““But she who dares not grasp the thorn, should never crave the rose.” ― Anne Bronte”
Not her fault or mine.
I was driving home yesterday and it struck me. A switch flipped. Just like getting sober, a switch flipped. I finally comprehend that my Stardust simply wasn’t right for me. And it’s not anyone’s fault. She couldn’t know at the beginning that she’d never trust me. And she tried so hard. I, in turn, couldn’tContinue reading “Not her fault or mine.”
I did learn
Quite a lot, I’m seeing more every day. Now, the time I was there in Idaho, last year exactly. She taught me so much. These eight months of isolation and solitude has taught me even more. I’ve seen that everything she hated the most about herself she saw in her mom and others she loved.Continue reading “I did learn”
Walkabout
Woke desperately needing some wild, so took my ass out for a walk. Hike. Both. It’s one of my favorite spots around here, just isolated (and unpopular) enough that I rarely ever see others in the same area. There’s a river with numerous wash-out areas that all lead to the water. The riverbed is carvedContinue reading “Walkabout”
Because why not
I haven’t felt pretty in ever so long. Months and months. She knew how to make me feel pretty and loved, and voiced so many words of adoration almost every day that now I wonder if those too are a lie. I wonder if she was wrong and so am I and I’m a monsterContinue reading “Because why not”
Anniversary
I am sober today two years. I should have died. I tried to. I turned yellow. I got so skinny my clothes were falling off. I puked and cried and stank as the toxins left me. My eyes were always wet from crying and yellow and dry from my flagging liver. I was held andContinue reading “Anniversary”
Stepping in the footprints of giants
Yesterday I grabbed one of my favorite humans and took us to a sacred place. Not far from here is a very little known spot in a riverbed that has ancient footprints from two different kind of dinosaurs, one a large brontosaurus-like critter and the other a smaller velociraptor-like predator called an acrocathosaurus. There areContinue reading “Stepping in the footprints of giants”
The love of my life
She was. So much of me still believes she is, and will always be. As much as I’m sobbing now missing her I was sobbing when I was with her. She really tried. She did. So hard. She gave herself as much as she could. I don’t blame her for the things she bore beforeContinue reading “The love of my life”
A Burd in Flight 