Last weekend I spent half a day clearing out old growth and weeds and grass overtaking my little garden beds. It felt right that when the sun was shining and warm, after quite a bit of rain, that I pull and dig and carry countless armfuls of bracken from the beds. That I pull offContinue reading “Fingernails black with soil”
Tag Archives: pain
Loss of a family
I miss my parents tonight. Growing up a Jehovah’s Witness they were my entire world. Our little congregation was all I knew. My father, a pilot, a machinist, a pirate, a fascinating big-hearted man. My mother a hippie, nature-loving, passionate, creative artist. All of course within the confines of the expectations of the religion. MyContinue reading “Loss of a family”
Snow in Texas …And thoughts on needing to NOT be needed
We haven’t had so much snow in this area in forty years I think. It’s charming and reminds me of being in Idaho this time last year. I think it’s beautiful even as it reminds me of what I left behind. I need to be not needed. More than I need water, or air. IContinue reading “Snow in Texas …And thoughts on needing to NOT be needed”
‘Tis the Season
Holiday season doesn’t mean anything to me. Or, rather, it doesn’t mean anything sweet, fun, cozy. It doesn’t mean family and warm fires, it doesn’t mean big meals and naps in front of football games on the TV with your extended family coming and going through the house. It doesn’t mean trees and lights, smellsContinue reading “‘Tis the Season”
“But she who dares not grasp the thorn, should never crave the rose.” ― Anne Bronte
I kept at it, my palm sticky and wet red, Grabbing again and again, until I changed hands, My right my left The wounds grew jagged and wept and dried black On the edges. I’d been doing this a long time now, Even though the flower had thrown me away she was the one whoContinue reading ““But she who dares not grasp the thorn, should never crave the rose.” ― Anne Bronte”
Bloom
when you pass the mirror, do your eyes only see the light behind you afraid to catch your own eye then you’d have to forgive yourself heart so big it echoes the skies, storming down jagged arrows of anger while you burn so deeply you only smell soot afraid of your own voice because itContinue reading “Bloom”
Not her fault or mine.
I was driving home yesterday and it struck me. A switch flipped. Just like getting sober, a switch flipped. I finally comprehend that my Stardust simply wasn’t right for me. And it’s not anyone’s fault. She couldn’t know at the beginning that she’d never trust me. And she tried so hard. I, in turn, couldn’tContinue reading “Not her fault or mine.”
I did learn
Quite a lot, I’m seeing more every day. Now, the time I was there in Idaho, last year exactly. She taught me so much. These eight months of isolation and solitude has taught me even more. I’ve seen that everything she hated the most about herself she saw in her mom and others she loved.Continue reading “I did learn”
Because why not
I haven’t felt pretty in ever so long. Months and months. She knew how to make me feel pretty and loved, and voiced so many words of adoration almost every day that now I wonder if those too are a lie. I wonder if she was wrong and so am I and I’m a monsterContinue reading “Because why not”
The love of my life
She was. So much of me still believes she is, and will always be. As much as I’m sobbing now missing her I was sobbing when I was with her. She really tried. She did. So hard. She gave herself as much as she could. I don’t blame her for the things she bore beforeContinue reading “The love of my life”
A Burd in Flight 